The Rule You Don't Know You're Following

Hey there -

It’s story time! 

I’m listening to my client talk about how she is going to position an ask to her CEO. It’s diplomatic, smart, and strategic. It’s also hedging. 

I call this out to her. Along with a pattern I’ve noticed: she spends a lot of time and energy crafting her messages so they land “just right.” 

She just pauses and laughs. “Yup. I do.” 

So I ask the next (obvious to me) question, “What’s the unwritten rule you’re following here that suggests you need to placate and people-please?” 

She shares with me that nearly 20 years ago, when she was early in her career, a senior leader saw her ambition as a threat and then did everything possible to make life difficult for my client. 

At which point, my client decides to “lead from behind” so that people see her as supportive and less threatening. She adopts a rule that she needs to “manage how she’s viewed” to be successful.  

She’s left the job and the company. The scars and habits remain. That rule might have made sense at that time, in that role. But now she’s operating on a 1.0 OS, and her current role requires an upgrade to 2.0. Her nervous system is still trying to hold onto the old OS. 

She can’t see it in real time because it’s so ingrained in her. But when I call it out, she knows instantly what it is and where it’s from. 

And she makes a new decision operating off a new rule. To say the thing she needs to say, and put a period at the end of her statement. Without tacking on the placating, people-pleasing language to try to appease the CEO.

This really hit home for her when I asked how she planned to protect the time leading up to her wedding. She shared her approach. Guess what? Same pattern of crafting a statement that sounds like it's asking for permission. 

Her takeaway? Tell the CEO she will be unavailable while she’s out for her wedding. Without all the explanations and qualifiers. 

In my client’s case, the origins of the rule are traceable. But not all of them are. Like the rule I used to have (ok, still sometimes have!) that asking for help from others is imposing on them, and so my inclination is to figure things out on my own. Usually, this results in a massive headache from banging my head against a brick wall. 

The rule isn't the problem. But not knowing you're following it is. 

Your call to action this week depends on your rules. 

If you know the rule you’re following, think about what you want your new rule to be and what that looks like in action. 

If you suspect you have unwritten rules but aren’t sure what they are, your call to action is to look for the places where you feel stuck. What’s getting in your way? I guarantee you there is a rule in there somewhere.

Have a great week! 

S

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